I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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