I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
