turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
