I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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