Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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