I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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