i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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