I want you more than these girls want KFC
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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