I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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