They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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