i wish there were pregnant emoticons
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
