I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
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