At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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