1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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