you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
