Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
