she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
did i walk over a car last night?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
