I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
