I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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