You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
