Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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