i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
it glows. i had to have it.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
