Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize