but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
True strength comes from lack of pants
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
