I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
the night ended with taco bell and tears
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
