I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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