you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
