I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
