i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
