She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Randomize
