someone threw a dead crab at me
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
