Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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