My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Randomize