You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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