Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
