I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
