Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
