Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
