I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i would one night stand the shit outta him
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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