What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
