first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
soo... how was my night?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
