peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
