tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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