I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
