you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize