lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
