Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
