I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
