tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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