he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
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