i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
My ATM looks so different sober.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize