I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize