The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
