He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize