dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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