new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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