I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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