I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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