Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
even my farts smell like vagina
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
