What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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