70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
