I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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