I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
