I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
