Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
