What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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