he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
