3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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