yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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