Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
