I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Ladies don't puke and tell
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
