Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
