If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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