she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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