I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Randomize
