I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
