I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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