My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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